All the Small Little Things...

I've been asked what I do when I don't photograph people. Well... this is what I do in my spare time: macros or landscape. This post is dedicated to macros. I promise I'll post some landscapes too very soon.

Click on the picture to enlarge and click left/right to get to the next

Who’s the Gorgeous Girl in the Picture?

Is it a model? Is it a famous movie star? Is it a singer?... Noup! It can be anyone! Anyone, I tell you! You can be in it! You just have to believe it’s possible!


I was inspired to write this article by a very dear friend of mine (whom I’m not going to name at this point).

Glamour photography can be for anyone, and anyone can be in a glamorous picture. Why? Because we all can look amazingly good and drop-dead-gorgeous. We are that way! It’s just that little voice inside our head that says “I’ll never look like that” that refrains us from asking for a portfolio. But I tell you: sometimes, people around you can see you so gorgeous and so beautiful that you won’t believe.

So to prove you that, I’ll tell you a little story.

Last weekend I went out for a coffee with a friend of mine. She told me how much she liked my glamour pictures and that she wished she would have the body and the face to pose for me. This is the short version of the story. She kind of beat around the bush for almost an hour about how I was doing… what were my latest projects… if I had any wedding photo session planed any time soon… and so on and so forth. I’m a pretty straight-forward person. I have something to say, I’ll say it. So all her efforts to get my attention towards what she wanted didn’t work out. I kept telling her the honest truth about my projects, and not a single word about glamour photography. After an hour she finally said: “…soooo… any new clients for glamour… ‘cause… you know... I loooove what you can do… aaaand… maybe I can come with you some time… and help you… with the… lights and all… and…”. At that point (because we've been friends for many years and I very well know that she wouldn’t volunteer for such a thing even if I paid her own weight in gold) I knew something was waaaay off, and so I asked straight ahead if there’s anything she wants to tell me or ask me… It took her another 20 minutes, but in the end she told me she would like to try this glamour “stuff”.

Can you imagine that!?!?... She is my friend! And she was so scared to ask me to photograph her! And I never thought she wanted such a thing, because I thought she would ask when she was interested. But no! She didn’t have enough courage to ask. Why? That’s an easy one: because she thought she didn’t have the face for it!... Can you imagine this???... And if you see her you will swear she’s a model or something. But for some strange reason she doesn’t see herself like that in the mirror. I don’t know why.

So what I did, I took a picture of her, right there, in the coffee shop, when she wasn’t paying any attention, and I just showed her the picture I took on the back screen of my camera. Her reaction was “Ooooo woooow… that’s… that’s me?” I said “Ya! And this is just staying here, relaxed, with a cappuccino in front of you. Can you imagine what we can do on a photo session?”… So, after a few more minutes I managed to schedule a photo session with her.

My advice to all of you out there: don’t back off, don’t think for a second that you can’t look like a movie star in a picture, because you can. It’s up to a skilled photographer to tell you how to pose, what to wear at such a session, what make-up you should put on, and all that stuff. So if you really want this… just ask!

Thank you for reading my article, and stay tuned for more!

Passion and Fatigue… How do You Work that Out!

 The first baptism

 The second baptism

A great Romanian sculptor, Constantin Brancusi, said “Things are not hard to be made. The hard thing is to get yourself in the mood of making them” (The original quote is: “Lucrurile nu sunt greu de facut. Greu este sa te pui in starea de a le face”). And he couldn’t be more right… I said this in my previous posts and I’ll say it again: it’s amazingly easy to do whatever you want to do, once you made up your mind. The only thing that’s stopping you is the anxiety that you might be rejected or that you might fail.

Nevertheless! Don’t you think for a second that my last two assignments were a walk in a park! I intended to write this post yesterday (on Monday). I had it all in my had. But when I opened a new Word doc I got a phone call from M that said:

“Hey, how are ya? Listen, I just received a call from our first customer and he told me he wants the pictures by Wednesday morning!”

It was the first time in my life when I really panicked. I felt the need to breath in a paper bag just like in the movies! Let me tell you why. Saturday we had the first baptism, we left Limassol at 10AM and I came home around 6PM. The next day happened the same thing: we left home at 10AM and I got home at 6PM. The only thing I could do between 6PM and 10PM (when I hit the bed falling asleep before I actually touched the pillow) was to eat, have a shower and copy the photos in the computer. So let me tell you all about this weekend and how do I feel after this experience.

So: I left home at 10Am (note that I was up at 5:30AM – I usually wake up at that hour) and we arrived around 11AM on the location, near Paphos. The first thing I did was to get inside the chapel to see how it looks like, the light and how much space I had. The chapel was around 5-7m wide and 10-15m long. Not that much space in there, huh? So I started to make all sorts of tests for the light. The ceiling was wood and not that high and I knew that meant a lot of colour on my subjects faces. The good thing was that the baptism started very fast , and so, I didn’t have enough time to panic… I had to get started and that was that! Sometimes, when you don’t have that much experience, it’s better to have less time on your hands for tests and other such things, because you'll lose it. It’s better to just get started, and the pressure of that moment will give you enough ideas to make everything work. It’s more or less like the adrenaline rush (but  not that strong).

Of course I had my flash on a tripod, off camera! I mean, common! Everybody knows that flash on camera equals no photo. That is absolutely true if you have an assistant that can run after you the hole time with the flash and the soft box. Guess what! I didn’t have an assistant. Soooo half of the photos were made with natural light (when the flash couldn’t reach the subject), with the camera handhold, at absolutely impossible shutter speeds (like 1/10s or lower with a 70mm lens), and the other half with the flash. Of course I had hand shake in 80% of the pictures made handhold. And of course I cursed my stupid head for being so judgemental. Don’t ever laugh at anyone for doing something that to you seems strange or even wrong, if you never tried that before! Imagine the fact that I was sweating like I was running on a marathon, not taking pictures, the lens was incredibly heavy and the guests were pushing from all directions. When I look back now, I realise that at the moment I didn’t even noticed any of that (except the lens weight). I was so concentrate on the moment, that I never noticed the sweat, the people around me, the heat. The only concern I had was not getting too close to the priest or to the child. (You want to take a picture, but you have to respect the moment! It was a baptism after all).

The next day (at the second baptism), in the church (this time it was a church, thank God!), I said to myself “ha! I’m not going to repeat my yesterday’s mistake! I’ll put the flash on camera! I’ll just leave it at 45 degrees and I’ll bounce the light from the flash bouncer card”. Good plan! But one single, tintzy-wintzy little detail please remember: …don’t get too excited about correcting one mistake, ‘cause you’ll make a new and bigger one! Because the flash was on camera, I didn’t have that sound that announced the recycling time. So, like a very professional and well-knowing-her-craft-and-gear photographer, I started shooting like crazy without waiting for the flash to recycle!... I guess somebody in haven really loves me, because I had the inspiration to have a look on the display! When I saw that 2 out of 3 pictures were underexposed (and one of them almost black), I felt how my knees are failing me… Don’t laugh! It’s a really ugly scene!

The ceremony, in both cases, lasted one hour and let me tell you a few tips and tricks about a baptism in a (Greek) Orthodox Church:

 

 

• The ceremony starts with the priest and the godmother holding the baby (in Romania you have godparents; so you have a godfather too. Here it seems you need only a godmother) at the entrance of the church/ chapel. Make sure you don’t overexpose what is outside (unless you’re doing it on purpose to obtain a special effect on the composition).
• Make sure you photograph both the priest and the godmother reading from the baptism book.
• Pay attention to what white balance you’re using, especially if you want to catch the nice yellow colour of the chrism (holy oil). The baby will be anointed before he gets baptised.
• Don’t make a race out of catching every single sequence of the baby in and out the font. The priest will do the same thing three times. Try to catch different moments each time (***I’ll advice you to go to a baptism (before you go and shoot one), and see this exact part very carefully and even take notes! It is THE most important part! If you miss this moment, you miss the baptism itself!  In Romania the priest will “sink” in the font the child very fast three times. In Cyprus the child is sited in the font and splashed with holy water all over the body and especially on the head! So this kind of differences can change the situation dramatically. If you don’t have time/ the opportunity to see one before you photograph such an event, it’s recommendable to talk to somebody that knows the ritual really good).
• Before the baby is dressed up the priest will cut a few hairs from the baby’s head. I don’t know why and what that means but it’s also important.
• Very important! The sequence is: the baby is undressed by the godmother and it’s anointed with chrism – this happens on a small table. Then the child is taken to the font. Then it returns to the table. All this happens very fast and you have to try to get a good spot every time because the child’s face is always covered by the priest’s/ godmother’s hands in the above-described process. So find a good spot near the table and try to return there.
• Another very important moment is the one when the godmother gives the baby to the priest and the priest gives the baby to the mother. It’s a very short moment but if you’re ready you can catch a very nice and sweet moment. Usually the children are pretty tired at this point and all the excitement around them makes them want to return in their mother’s arms… sooo be ready!

If you manage to catch these moments right, all the rest is a piece of cake. After the baptism is over in the church you might want to take a few frames outside the church with the family. Also, at the restaurant, make sure you ask if anything special will happen. But in general for me it was pretty easy: some portraits and some group pictures with the parents, grandparents and the godmother.

I must tell you that the perfect solution is to keep very calm, no matter what don’t panic and just do what you have to do: take nice pictures.

After I got home (both on Saturday and Sunday), I managed to copy the pictures in the computer and then select those that I liked. But that was it! Sunday evening I managed to edit about 10 photos from my first assignment thinking that on Monday I could do around 50 or more, and by the end of the week I could finish both series of photos. So when M told me that I have actually only one day to edit the first baptism I really panicked. Another reason why I was really scared was because I don’t really like post processing and this meant that I need to stay nailed to the chair till I would finish (which was a torture for me). So, yesterday I came home from work, and five hours I didn’t move from the computer (except when I had to eat) and I did those photos. I didn’t finished all last night. I stopped around 11:30PM because my eyes were playing tricks on me and I didn’t want to mess around with the photos. So this morning I was up at 5AM and I worked on the photos till I finished (that is I managed to be ready till 8AM when I had to go to the office).

I must tell you that after the first day I couldn’t feel my arms and legs muscles; after the second day the felling in my muscles returned with an added bonus: an indescribable pain. Yesterday I added to the original pain another one in my back for staying in front of the computer from 8:15AM till 11:30PM… Over all it was the best experience I had in a very long time, and I can hardly wait for the next customer!

The lesson I have learned is that in a controlled (by me of course) environment I can shoot very good portraits, but I tend to forget to control the camera when I’m contretemps, which is a very big mistake. I need to make more “wax-on-wax-off-this-is-stupid-Mr-Miagy” kind of exercises and to get in my system certain camera settings… just like driving the car (you don’t actually think of gear shifting, you just do it). I also need to build a small soft box (‘cause I’m not gonna spend money on something like this) for my flash when I’m using it on camera, and I have some other innovative ideas for the off camera flash (but I’ll tell you about those in another post).

I apologize if this post was a little chaotic but the words came into my mind faster than I can type, and they were in a hurry, ‘cause they’re waiting for two day (haha). I hope you’ll find this post useful so please let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading this

PS: The post was actually  written on Tuesday after noon, but because of some technical issues, I couldn't managed to post it until today. 

I’m on fire! (Or how I spent Children’s Day)

My beautiful sister, Natalia

Dear reader,

I’m ecstatic. I couldn’t be happier! Yesterday was a wonderful day! I don’t have enough words to describe how absolutely extraordinary it was. So I’ll skip any introduction and I’ll just get to the point…

So: the day began pretty ordinary. I knew two of my friends had their birthday yesterday (what a happy coincidence to have your birthday on 1^st of June). Sooo I got on Facebook and I sent to each of them a “Happy Birthday” message. One of them, M (I didn’t ask his permeation to give his name, so I’ll just call him M), replied very fast and he asked me to call him, ‘cause he wanted to ask me something. Now, I figured that he wanted to invite me to his birthday party or something. That was the only thing I could’ve think of. What else could he possibly want, except that?!... So I called him. After the “hey girl, how are ya? Long time, no see!” typical beginning (and he was right, because we haven’t seen each other in two years… exactly two years!) and a lot of non-exciting news about our boring existence in the calm, lent and bohemian Cypriot lifestyle, he says:

-        -  Listen, can I ask you for a favor?

-        -  Sure man! Tell me!

-        -  Can I borrow your strobe…

-        -  … Sure you can…

-        -  ‘Cause I have two baptisms this weekend and I really need one…

-        -  No problem!

And after that, in my excitement, I forgot about anything and everything and I started to interrogate the poor fellow about about what camera he uses, when did he buy it, was he seriously thinking about going pro? Was he… But before I could finish the interrogation he said we should probably have a coffee and talk about it… I still couldn’t stop! I didn’t get it! I was still under the mesmerizing thought of him going pro! You might wonder why was I so excited for! Well, I’ll tell ya!... ‘Cause it’s easier to have a business partner than to fly solo… Soooo, I was planning to ask him to try to collaborate or something. He said again “Listen, why don’t you let me call you in the after noon and then we’ll talk and arrange to go for a coffee or something?...” Ya! Right! Like I could wait so many hours! And somehow, my personal Jiminy Cricket managed to scream from the top of his lungs: “Shut the hell UP!!!!! Let him be! He said he wants to go for a coffee! Just take that and… SHUT UP!”… So I heard Jiminy, I thanked him, and I did shut the hell up so I wouldn’t scare the poor fellow.

11:30AM… 11:45AM… 12:01PM… God! Time flies like a shoot-in-the-wing-hen when you’re “having fun” waiting and wondering and pondering and thinking again… and making absolute insane plans about things that will happen like “what name should I choose for the studio?... hmmmm…” Hellooooo! What studio?! You didn’t even had the coffee with the guy! You didn’t even asked him if he even wants to get associated with you!... But still! SunDrop Photography? Would it sound like a pro?... hmmm…

God I’m insane sometimes! But I’m sooooo happy. Because I felt like that was the help that I needed; that was the sign that I’ll do a great job! Nobody has to tell me that I’ll succeed; I already know it! And it feels great to know that it’s all in your hands. It’s great to know that you were right: if you grab any opportunity and if you give all that you have, you can’t be wrong. I felt that it was a kind of gift for all my efforts. I just didn’t pay any attention to any of the people that told me what a fool I am. It will work! I know it!... Sometimes people don’t know when to stop taking care of you!

Anyway at 1PM I left the office and I went to the bus stop to go home. I was pacing up and down the bus station making plans for the future when something unexpected and unrelated to photography happened. I’ll tell you about it just because it was very special. So I was in the bus station with another three girls: one of them, a teen that was listening to some music, and two other girls that were carrying some shopping bags. All of a sudden, a big 4X4 car pulls over, and from the inside, a lady in her ‘30s talks something with the girls with the sopping bags and I see these two girls hopping into the car. I was thinking that maybe they knew each other so I resumed my train of thoughts… Yet the lady moves the car another 2m towards me and the teenager, and she says:

-          Hey there, I’m going to St. Nicolas roundabout. Do you girls want a lift?

-          … aaa… aaa… well...

-          Oh ‘common! If it’s in my way why not giving you a lift! Come, hop in…

So I did! I hopped in like I was hypnotized. The teen girl said she was going further away and she thanked the lady but she said she will wait for the bus. I was trying to understand why somebody would give me a ride close to my home if she didn't know me?... And I was thinking how could I compensate her for such a nice gesture. Obviously giving her money was out of the question because it would have offended her… I didn’t finish this thought when she said “I’m on my way to pick up my son from school and I was thinking that in the bus stop there is no cover from the sun… And it’s so hot today… And you were waiting there in the sun on such a hot day… It’s a shame people don’t give rides, when they can, to other people, especially on such a hot day like today…”

I was way too impressed by such a small and insignificant gesture to be able to say anything. I just sit there, in the car, and I started thinking: we live in such a jungle! We treat each other with such a lack of respect and confidence! We are so scared of each other for no reason what so ever. Why should we presume the worst and not the best out of somebody’s character? And I bet some of you expected bad ending story (or something along the lines of that)… Hell! I looked at her with suspicion too! so I can only understand you! But then I felt so ashamed of my first reaction, and in the same time so happy. This lady gives me hope that there are still good people in the world…

I got down from her car in front of the fire station, I thanked her and I started walking towards my hose, that was 500m from that point. I kept thinking what a nice gesture that lady did, and that all she wanted was to help. Now, as I said before, sometimes I’m insane! “Cu-cu” on the had! I make some connections in my mind that even Freud would need a serious amount of time to put a diagnostic on me... All of a sudden I thought that it was sooo wrong of me asking any favor from M! I should just give him the strobe and that’s it! Why shouldn’t I make a good deed without asking anything in return. Theeeeennnn I started to think that my Roman-Catholic education works it’s evils on my mind and makes me feel guilty for no apparent reason (yes, that is characteristic for the roman-catholic education: to make you feel guilty for things you didn’t do! Very efficient in school! Makes you confess… well… anything!... and aside from that, the simple thought that you suffer… it’s a blessing; it means you’re on the right path…). A bit confused about all this I got home and I decided to clean the house, activity that would also make me feel tired and make me forget about all this nonsense. (When my thoughts are jogging through my head and each of that thought is singing a different song… well you can imagine what chaos is in there… but I am proud of it, haha).

I’ll just fast-forward to the point of the meeting ‘cause the rest is pretty boring (me going back and forth about how soon I’ll get my first customer, if I scared M or not with my enthusiasm, if I should rent a house where I can make a studio at the ground floor and live on the first floor… and all sort of stupid stuff like that).

We met at a coffee shop on the Sea Front and we had a very long talk about what happened in the past two years (not much for any of us) and mostly about photography. Apparently he started last year… so there we were: two nubs encouraging one another and building dreams over a very sweet and not that cold glass of frappe… At a certain moment I got an idea and I just said it without even thinking:

-          Hey M, can I be absolutely bold and ask you something?

-          Sure…

-          1. Would you mind if I would ask you and C (his fiancé – again, I’m not naming anyone) to pose for me and let me make you an engagement album? You know, like a wedding present, ‘cause I don’t know what else I could get you…

-          Sure girl! C would be more than happy, I’m sure…

-          And can I use the photos in my portfolio?

-          Sure, no problem…

-          And 2. … Can I come with you in the weekend… to be your second photographer… at the…

-          Sure girl… No problem, I have no problem with that.

Yes ladies and gentlemen! I did it! I asked The Question! I had the courage to ask if I can be a second photographer pro bono! You have no idea how proud I am! I don't have words to describe the happiness of having my first assignment! And more than that: I am so happy that he trusted me to take me with him! It's absolutely fantastic!

So! In conclusion: this weekend I'll have my first assignment as a second photographer aaaaand I have a new associate in my plan of going pro! I promise I'll keep you informed regarding any new gigs and I'll let you know how it went!

Till then, lots of kisses and thank you for reading this!

PS: I'm not exactly sure when, but yesterday, at a certain moment, "Skies on Fire" (Sarah Howells) got into my had and it didn't wanted to get out since then... I wonder how long till I'll start spinning around with one arm extended and the hand tight in a fist, and the other one holding an imaginary microphone singing "I Want it All"... Stay tuned for any updates on the 5 o'clock news. Thanks again

Taking the Chance VS Having a Chance (or How I Spent my “End of the World” Day)

A few days ago I started writing about light. I have a lot of things to tell you about light, especially because I’ve been doing some tests and experiments and I want to share with you some pretty neat stuff. Buuut… because I’m such an amazing writer… I had the “blank page syndrome” and the single word I still have on that subject is: “The...”.

Now! I heard that on the 21^st was suppose to be “The Rupture”, “The Judgement Day”, “The Apocalypse” or something similar to that. I completely forgot about it! And being unaware of the colossal… “thing” I was missing, I just hit the streets in search for the perfect subject. One of my personal projects, at the moment, is a street photography documentary about the life in Cyprus. Now: I double dare you to search on Google something related to Cyprus! The “relevant” information doesn’t do justice to this beautiful island. So I said to myself I should do this! Good, but it’s easier said then done!

The simple thought that I could shoot a person… while he or she is doing something… I’ll be next to him/her pointing a 24mm lense in his/hers direction and watch every single movement, to catch an interesting shot… paralyses me. The thought that I must tell them that they shouldn’t mind me… Oh Lord give me strength and make me patient!...

In the past two or three years, I think, I’ve been reading almost anything that was related to street photography. I memorized every single aspect of a situation in which I might end up. I even know what I have to do or say if somebody comes to me and asks me to delete my photos because he/she doesn’t want to be photographed… And yet, with very small exceptions, I never took pictures of people on the street. And when I did, it happened in two very specific situations: 1. if that person didn't noticed me or 2. if that person asked me to take his/her picture.

So what is the reason for my fears? Why don't I have the courage to lift my camera to my eye and just take the picture, even if that person is aware of my presence? I was thinking that maybe I’m scared of the rejection… But that’s not it! I’ve been rejected by people in the past and I don’t really care about rejection.

It's not the fact that people, when they are aware of the camera, go crazy, making faces and "victory" signs. Actually, when they do this it's quite fun and, for me, it's encouraging. Unfortunately whenever this happens I get in the "OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! what-do-I-have-to-do" mode and if I don't forget about the exposure, I forget about the shutter speed; and if I don't forget about these two, I forget about the frame, the composition... anyway it must be something that I forget about, and the photo sucks biiiiiig time.

I suppose the scariest thing in all this is the pure interaction with people. I can very easily start a conversation out of nothing, but I'm scared to ask people to do stuff for me... like letting me take photos of them. I am more ashamed to get closer to somebody and intervene in the personal life (or private space), then people are of my camera. I’m very conscious of myself and of what I’m doing. I'm afraid that I might disturb or offend people. And I suppose that is a good thing in a way, because this is my notion of respect.

But after I made that promise that I'll keep true to myself and I'll start doing what I love, I faced the fact that I don't have not even one single photo for my project. And so, in the day of the rupture, I started to search the streets for my photo. Excellent timing :). And what a luck... I live near the sea, as in 500m to the beach... And what do you know?! Right on the beach, right in front of me there were these three guys, two of them playing backgammon and the third looking at them and making some comments. My first instinct was to "steal" a frame or two. And my technique is soooo smooth!... you have no idea! I pretend taking photos of an object that just happens to be near the person I want to photograph. I wait 'till I think the person doesn't look at me, and then I shoot. I'm sooo lame! In my defence I have to say I never published photos of people that were unaware they were photographed, and I always considered these photos a kind of exercise for my street photography “skills”.

But let’s go back to the story. All of a sudden I just let my camera down and I went, with all the confidence I had, to the third guy (the one that was watching the game), I smiled and I said wile shaking hands with him: "Hi, my name is Ana, and I'm a photographer. I have a project called 'Life in Cyprus'. I was wondering if I can take a few pictures of you guys..." The answer was: "Hey, nice to meet you! Sure you can".... Aaaaa, ya! It was that easy!

Next I started to chat with the guy asking him about himself, his job, his views about Cyprus and a bunch of other questions related to my project. I felt very confident, and serious about my project… very professional. And I was! I could concentrate on what I have to do, I didn’t loose my calm, I controlled the camera, I composed the frame, I saw it in my mind. And the things this guy was telling me helped a lot! Well what do you know! And one more important thing: I didn’t rush to point my camera at him or his friends. I spent some time chatting. I think this is important because (and I don’t know if this happens to you too guys, but it happens to me a lot) taking my time made me relax. I got into the “this is a job I have to do” state of mind. So when I finally lift the camera I was all focused on the picture.

You might say “Yes, but this is not street photography, this is more like a photographic documentary”. This is true. It’s not necessarily street photography, but it’s a start. And I am not sure right now whether is ok or not to take pictures of people without their consent. Some say that as long as you don’t sell the pictures, or as long as the face is not distinguishable, it’s ok. I don’t know if it’s that simple. I am an alien for their environment and I stick a lens in their life… Anyway, at the moment I feel ok talking with them first and take the pictures after.

In the end I am proud to report that I had a full day and I think it must’ve been the end of the world ‘cause I made the “rupture” and I photographed: three guys that were into water sports business (the backgammon guys), one street merchant (who was selling ice cream) and two lifeguards. I met them right one after the other, I talked and photographed them one after the other and non of them said no… and all in the same day! The only guy who didn’t want to be in the picture was one of the backgammon players. I didn’t took his picture and that was that. So I guess the most valuable lesson I learned is that I have to make the best of the chances I have, and not to think that I’m taking a chance every time I look through the view finder.

Thank you for reading this :)

Third time is a lucky charm

This is my third attempt to have a blog. Let’s hope this time I’ll stick with it. And what made me want to have a blog at this moment in time is that lately I have been reading a lot of stuff. Noup, not belletristic literature, but other people’s blogs and web sites. And what I found there was a piece of something that I’m missing. I’m missing it inside. Kinda’ hard to define or explain.

“Oh, geez! Not another soul searching blog!” you might say. Well I’ll try to make it as ‘not soul searching’ as I can, but it’s an inside. It will have a piece of me and a piece of the way I am. And I’m very introspective. I tend to see others through myself.

And now, without further introduction here it is!

When I was in my 20s Ally McBeal was in vogue. And I remember how I use to watch the episodes and think “uuu she’s cool… she has that ‘je ne sais quoi’… she’s sophisticated… I’ll never be like that…”. Somehow Ally was someone that I wanted to be. I know, I know, not the ideal self-inflicted- psychological-trauma people should want in their lives. But, hey, I was 20! Keep that in mind! Now, for those of you who think that at 20 you’re mature… well you’re not. Maturity is a state of mind that comes with age and experience. I know people that are almost 60 and they still aren’t mature and show no signs of getting there! But, anyway, that was my idea of mysterious woman and what I wanted to become.

“Life is real” said Freddie Mercury in the song with the same title, and “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get” said Forrest Gump (actually his mom). Yes, that couldn’t be more true. Not only that I never became Ally McBeal No#2, but through the years I kind of started to dislike the idea of becoming a self-pitying-helpless person. Nevertheless, I kept in mind one very specific episode when she turns 30 and what existential problems she has on that day/week. I was kind of petrified at the thought that soon I’d turn 30 and I’d be in a similar position. For 10 years I had lived with the crazy idea that when I turn 30 I’ll feel like I’m suddenly old and/or mature. Guess what? Never happened. I didn’t feel a thing! I didn’t feel older than before, I didn’t feel wiser than before, hell I wasn’t even upset that I had changed “my prefix” (haha). I was very emotional on the week I turned 30, but not because of the event, but because of the way my family surprised me. (And I initially wrote a couple of words about what happened on my birthday, but then I realised that that was for another post).

Very soon after this I remembered my 18^th birthday. And I remembered that I had a similar feeling then: turning 18 meant I had  the legal age (in Romania) and I’d suddenly be… mature! Wrong! I kept being the same kid. Nothing happened and I didn’t feel different, or I didn’t feel anything at all for that matter! It was just one of my birthdays when I had fun with my family and (not that many) friends.

Now you ask yourself: why did I have this nonsense in my head? And TWICE! And why in the world didn’t I see it before? Why didn’t I see the pattern earlier? Here’s why:

I’m not complaining about anything, I have a very beautiful life and I feel lucky for so many reasons. But still there is something there that is not quite right. Something’s missing. And I’m not that kind of person who tries to console herself by saying “there are others in the world more unfortunate than you, so suck it up”. That’s not the way to do it! I want to help others, but when you’re not ok, you’re not able to help anyone. Your frustrations will get in the way. And I know this from experience. My sister can testify that I’ve been a pain in the ass for the past couple of years, and that I’ve been mean to her. I stuck my nose where I shouldn't have, I give advice when nobody asked for it, I tried to help people who didn't need and didn’t want my help. And I ignored those who needed me. Not because I was a mean person, but because I was blind. So I suppose that searching for what you need for yourself is very important and you have to know yourself before you try to help others… I hope I didn’t bore you to death and that you’re still with me.

So a couple of days ago I had this epiphany: I don’t really live my life, I live through others and their perspective. I’m happy that I have a healthy family, that we love each other, that we have a very strong and special relationship, but they, as much as I would love them, are still separate individuals. I am a person that has different points of view, and I don’t believe anymore in my father’s “3 important things in life” theory (that is a subject to be discussed in another post) or my mothers sense of morality. More than that, I have nothing to do with the “society rules” (a kind of very large concept here), I have no idea of the meaning of “a woman should say ‘no’ when she means ‘yes’” (and to be very honest with you I don’t think there’s a bigger inept thing than that!). I don’t have the slightest idea what the hell is with the 4 or 5 (or what ever that number is) rules of dating. And what’s a date, anyway? If I go out with somebody, if we don’t specifically acknowledge it’s a date, than it’s not a date? And if I really had a very good time with that person, does that mean that I would just have to delete it from my life and do a do-over? And why, for the love of God, do I have to “match my inside with my outside” (for those of you who never had the pleasure of watching “What Not to Wear, with Stacy and Clinton” – it’s a sort of fashion show where these 2 guys are explaining to people that they have to dress nicely so that the people around them should appreciate them more!!!) Whaaaa??? Then where does that leave us with “don’t judge a book by its cover”?? And how about, I want to express the way I feel without any kind of “sense of fashion”! I mean: why is Kate Von D allowed to wear clothes that, according to fashion designers, have “no sense of fashion” whatsoever! but “I have to follow the rules”!!!! Kate seems to have become successful without having a “sense of fashion”! and she is happy with it! What do YOU want? Ah! I get it! If you feel ok with searching for clothes, fine! But don’t force ME to do it, ‘cause I don’t give a damn!... Or maybe I do, but I need to it for the right reasons! Not because if I don't do it people will not like me anymore!

So here’s another question: Why do I have to comply with the “society rules” (more like a mentality than real rules) in order to be noticed? Not even appreciated, just noticed! What ever is inside my heart or my brain is an absolute zero to anyone around me if I’m not dressed nicely and if I don’t act like they say I should! Why? I don’t really care right now, (right NOW, at the moment that I’m typing this) if anyone agrees with me, or if I get a lot of “booos”.

I feel alone! (No it’s not a typo mistake: I don’t feel lonely, I feel alone! – to me it’s a different feeling). I feel small and alone in my one skin and I've been having a funny feeling for almost a week now. I feel an empty void in my stomach and I feel like I’m in one of those nightmares where you run but you don’t move and you shout but you can’t hear your voice. I’m extremely alone with myself and I wish there was something or someone to give me some help and tell me what to do. But there’s no one who can do this for me. ‘Cause this is my life, remember? This is were I take control and I do what I need to do. Only for the first time in my life I know that if I go on with what I’ve been doing for the past 31 years I’ll fail miserably and I’ll end up with my heart in a dumpster. Again: do I make any sense to you? I hope I do.

And here’s another self-conscious-kind-of-philosophy: we don’t really live, we just drift aimlessly through life, guided by the nonsense that is called “the society set of rules”. In fact, that is not even scientifically true, ‘cause anyone who might be interested in the real set of rules in a normal society should read Emile Durkheim – The Rules of the Sociological Methods (1895). Sooo, what am I doing here? I studied this at the university! Why am I so blind? Again, the answer is right under my nose! Because I want people to like me, and people are living according to these appearances that they call rules, and I don’t fit in there! It’s against my nature... of course I failed miserably in adjusting to these rules! They don’t serve me for any purpose.

And let me give you a small example: when I like something and I feel really enthusiastic about it, people say to me “you’re just throwing yourself headfirst… and you do things chaotically… and you do this and you do that! And whatever you have planed to do is never going to work because you’re chaotic, and there are soooo many obstacles, and you’re not the type to do that, and so many people tried before and failed, and this is not easy…” and so oooon and so foooorth… So I just play on the safe side, and I stick myself to this kind of mentality, I don’t do anything… AT ALL; I don’t even try, because I’m afraid of failing; I do whatever other people want me to do, I play by their rules, I get very easily discouraged by sermons like the one above and yet I am surprised that something’s missing??? Something must be very wrong with me. I mean, think  about it! I am already there! I failed in not being able to do what I’m good at and what I love! What else could possibly go worst than that?! In the end I don’t want to go to the Moon! I just want to be a photographer and a writer! That’s it! I don’t take any chances here! It’s just taking pictures for crying out loud!...

So I will begin my journey starting today. There is nothing important today, it’s just a Thursday afternoon; an ordinary boring 19^th of May; this is the day when I  start doing everything the way I want. So: to hell with the rules! I don’t understand them, I tried to apply them, I failed miserably every time and I’m tired and I don’t want this anymore! K! Great! What’s next?... I have no clue! All I know is that from this moment on I will no longer listen to others, I will listen only to what my instinct tells me, and this is my first risky thing!

I have to give my thanks to a lot of people that inspired me to do this. I will not name them today, I hope I will be able to do it soon.

Thank you for reading this :)

PS: This is just a transition for the way my blogs look. So if it will change in the next couple of days, that is just me messing around with it ;)