Taking the Chance VS Having a Chance (or How I Spent my “End of the World” Day)

A few days ago I started writing about light. I have a lot of things to tell you about light, especially because I’ve been doing some tests and experiments and I want to share with you some pretty neat stuff. Buuut… because I’m such an amazing writer… I had the “blank page syndrome” and the single word I still have on that subject is: “The...”.

Now! I heard that on the 21^st was suppose to be “The Rupture”, “The Judgement Day”, “The Apocalypse” or something similar to that. I completely forgot about it! And being unaware of the colossal… “thing” I was missing, I just hit the streets in search for the perfect subject. One of my personal projects, at the moment, is a street photography documentary about the life in Cyprus. Now: I double dare you to search on Google something related to Cyprus! The “relevant” information doesn’t do justice to this beautiful island. So I said to myself I should do this! Good, but it’s easier said then done!

The simple thought that I could shoot a person… while he or she is doing something… I’ll be next to him/her pointing a 24mm lense in his/hers direction and watch every single movement, to catch an interesting shot… paralyses me. The thought that I must tell them that they shouldn’t mind me… Oh Lord give me strength and make me patient!...

In the past two or three years, I think, I’ve been reading almost anything that was related to street photography. I memorized every single aspect of a situation in which I might end up. I even know what I have to do or say if somebody comes to me and asks me to delete my photos because he/she doesn’t want to be photographed… And yet, with very small exceptions, I never took pictures of people on the street. And when I did, it happened in two very specific situations: 1. if that person didn't noticed me or 2. if that person asked me to take his/her picture.

So what is the reason for my fears? Why don't I have the courage to lift my camera to my eye and just take the picture, even if that person is aware of my presence? I was thinking that maybe I’m scared of the rejection… But that’s not it! I’ve been rejected by people in the past and I don’t really care about rejection.

It's not the fact that people, when they are aware of the camera, go crazy, making faces and "victory" signs. Actually, when they do this it's quite fun and, for me, it's encouraging. Unfortunately whenever this happens I get in the "OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! what-do-I-have-to-do" mode and if I don't forget about the exposure, I forget about the shutter speed; and if I don't forget about these two, I forget about the frame, the composition... anyway it must be something that I forget about, and the photo sucks biiiiiig time.

I suppose the scariest thing in all this is the pure interaction with people. I can very easily start a conversation out of nothing, but I'm scared to ask people to do stuff for me... like letting me take photos of them. I am more ashamed to get closer to somebody and intervene in the personal life (or private space), then people are of my camera. I’m very conscious of myself and of what I’m doing. I'm afraid that I might disturb or offend people. And I suppose that is a good thing in a way, because this is my notion of respect.

But after I made that promise that I'll keep true to myself and I'll start doing what I love, I faced the fact that I don't have not even one single photo for my project. And so, in the day of the rupture, I started to search the streets for my photo. Excellent timing :). And what a luck... I live near the sea, as in 500m to the beach... And what do you know?! Right on the beach, right in front of me there were these three guys, two of them playing backgammon and the third looking at them and making some comments. My first instinct was to "steal" a frame or two. And my technique is soooo smooth!... you have no idea! I pretend taking photos of an object that just happens to be near the person I want to photograph. I wait 'till I think the person doesn't look at me, and then I shoot. I'm sooo lame! In my defence I have to say I never published photos of people that were unaware they were photographed, and I always considered these photos a kind of exercise for my street photography “skills”.

But let’s go back to the story. All of a sudden I just let my camera down and I went, with all the confidence I had, to the third guy (the one that was watching the game), I smiled and I said wile shaking hands with him: "Hi, my name is Ana, and I'm a photographer. I have a project called 'Life in Cyprus'. I was wondering if I can take a few pictures of you guys..." The answer was: "Hey, nice to meet you! Sure you can".... Aaaaa, ya! It was that easy!

Next I started to chat with the guy asking him about himself, his job, his views about Cyprus and a bunch of other questions related to my project. I felt very confident, and serious about my project… very professional. And I was! I could concentrate on what I have to do, I didn’t loose my calm, I controlled the camera, I composed the frame, I saw it in my mind. And the things this guy was telling me helped a lot! Well what do you know! And one more important thing: I didn’t rush to point my camera at him or his friends. I spent some time chatting. I think this is important because (and I don’t know if this happens to you too guys, but it happens to me a lot) taking my time made me relax. I got into the “this is a job I have to do” state of mind. So when I finally lift the camera I was all focused on the picture.

You might say “Yes, but this is not street photography, this is more like a photographic documentary”. This is true. It’s not necessarily street photography, but it’s a start. And I am not sure right now whether is ok or not to take pictures of people without their consent. Some say that as long as you don’t sell the pictures, or as long as the face is not distinguishable, it’s ok. I don’t know if it’s that simple. I am an alien for their environment and I stick a lens in their life… Anyway, at the moment I feel ok talking with them first and take the pictures after.

In the end I am proud to report that I had a full day and I think it must’ve been the end of the world ‘cause I made the “rupture” and I photographed: three guys that were into water sports business (the backgammon guys), one street merchant (who was selling ice cream) and two lifeguards. I met them right one after the other, I talked and photographed them one after the other and non of them said no… and all in the same day! The only guy who didn’t want to be in the picture was one of the backgammon players. I didn’t took his picture and that was that. So I guess the most valuable lesson I learned is that I have to make the best of the chances I have, and not to think that I’m taking a chance every time I look through the view finder.

Thank you for reading this :)

Third time is a lucky charm

This is my third attempt to have a blog. Let’s hope this time I’ll stick with it. And what made me want to have a blog at this moment in time is that lately I have been reading a lot of stuff. Noup, not belletristic literature, but other people’s blogs and web sites. And what I found there was a piece of something that I’m missing. I’m missing it inside. Kinda’ hard to define or explain.

“Oh, geez! Not another soul searching blog!” you might say. Well I’ll try to make it as ‘not soul searching’ as I can, but it’s an inside. It will have a piece of me and a piece of the way I am. And I’m very introspective. I tend to see others through myself.

And now, without further introduction here it is!

When I was in my 20s Ally McBeal was in vogue. And I remember how I use to watch the episodes and think “uuu she’s cool… she has that ‘je ne sais quoi’… she’s sophisticated… I’ll never be like that…”. Somehow Ally was someone that I wanted to be. I know, I know, not the ideal self-inflicted- psychological-trauma people should want in their lives. But, hey, I was 20! Keep that in mind! Now, for those of you who think that at 20 you’re mature… well you’re not. Maturity is a state of mind that comes with age and experience. I know people that are almost 60 and they still aren’t mature and show no signs of getting there! But, anyway, that was my idea of mysterious woman and what I wanted to become.

“Life is real” said Freddie Mercury in the song with the same title, and “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get” said Forrest Gump (actually his mom). Yes, that couldn’t be more true. Not only that I never became Ally McBeal No#2, but through the years I kind of started to dislike the idea of becoming a self-pitying-helpless person. Nevertheless, I kept in mind one very specific episode when she turns 30 and what existential problems she has on that day/week. I was kind of petrified at the thought that soon I’d turn 30 and I’d be in a similar position. For 10 years I had lived with the crazy idea that when I turn 30 I’ll feel like I’m suddenly old and/or mature. Guess what? Never happened. I didn’t feel a thing! I didn’t feel older than before, I didn’t feel wiser than before, hell I wasn’t even upset that I had changed “my prefix” (haha). I was very emotional on the week I turned 30, but not because of the event, but because of the way my family surprised me. (And I initially wrote a couple of words about what happened on my birthday, but then I realised that that was for another post).

Very soon after this I remembered my 18^th birthday. And I remembered that I had a similar feeling then: turning 18 meant I had  the legal age (in Romania) and I’d suddenly be… mature! Wrong! I kept being the same kid. Nothing happened and I didn’t feel different, or I didn’t feel anything at all for that matter! It was just one of my birthdays when I had fun with my family and (not that many) friends.

Now you ask yourself: why did I have this nonsense in my head? And TWICE! And why in the world didn’t I see it before? Why didn’t I see the pattern earlier? Here’s why:

I’m not complaining about anything, I have a very beautiful life and I feel lucky for so many reasons. But still there is something there that is not quite right. Something’s missing. And I’m not that kind of person who tries to console herself by saying “there are others in the world more unfortunate than you, so suck it up”. That’s not the way to do it! I want to help others, but when you’re not ok, you’re not able to help anyone. Your frustrations will get in the way. And I know this from experience. My sister can testify that I’ve been a pain in the ass for the past couple of years, and that I’ve been mean to her. I stuck my nose where I shouldn't have, I give advice when nobody asked for it, I tried to help people who didn't need and didn’t want my help. And I ignored those who needed me. Not because I was a mean person, but because I was blind. So I suppose that searching for what you need for yourself is very important and you have to know yourself before you try to help others… I hope I didn’t bore you to death and that you’re still with me.

So a couple of days ago I had this epiphany: I don’t really live my life, I live through others and their perspective. I’m happy that I have a healthy family, that we love each other, that we have a very strong and special relationship, but they, as much as I would love them, are still separate individuals. I am a person that has different points of view, and I don’t believe anymore in my father’s “3 important things in life” theory (that is a subject to be discussed in another post) or my mothers sense of morality. More than that, I have nothing to do with the “society rules” (a kind of very large concept here), I have no idea of the meaning of “a woman should say ‘no’ when she means ‘yes’” (and to be very honest with you I don’t think there’s a bigger inept thing than that!). I don’t have the slightest idea what the hell is with the 4 or 5 (or what ever that number is) rules of dating. And what’s a date, anyway? If I go out with somebody, if we don’t specifically acknowledge it’s a date, than it’s not a date? And if I really had a very good time with that person, does that mean that I would just have to delete it from my life and do a do-over? And why, for the love of God, do I have to “match my inside with my outside” (for those of you who never had the pleasure of watching “What Not to Wear, with Stacy and Clinton” – it’s a sort of fashion show where these 2 guys are explaining to people that they have to dress nicely so that the people around them should appreciate them more!!!) Whaaaa??? Then where does that leave us with “don’t judge a book by its cover”?? And how about, I want to express the way I feel without any kind of “sense of fashion”! I mean: why is Kate Von D allowed to wear clothes that, according to fashion designers, have “no sense of fashion” whatsoever! but “I have to follow the rules”!!!! Kate seems to have become successful without having a “sense of fashion”! and she is happy with it! What do YOU want? Ah! I get it! If you feel ok with searching for clothes, fine! But don’t force ME to do it, ‘cause I don’t give a damn!... Or maybe I do, but I need to it for the right reasons! Not because if I don't do it people will not like me anymore!

So here’s another question: Why do I have to comply with the “society rules” (more like a mentality than real rules) in order to be noticed? Not even appreciated, just noticed! What ever is inside my heart or my brain is an absolute zero to anyone around me if I’m not dressed nicely and if I don’t act like they say I should! Why? I don’t really care right now, (right NOW, at the moment that I’m typing this) if anyone agrees with me, or if I get a lot of “booos”.

I feel alone! (No it’s not a typo mistake: I don’t feel lonely, I feel alone! – to me it’s a different feeling). I feel small and alone in my one skin and I've been having a funny feeling for almost a week now. I feel an empty void in my stomach and I feel like I’m in one of those nightmares where you run but you don’t move and you shout but you can’t hear your voice. I’m extremely alone with myself and I wish there was something or someone to give me some help and tell me what to do. But there’s no one who can do this for me. ‘Cause this is my life, remember? This is were I take control and I do what I need to do. Only for the first time in my life I know that if I go on with what I’ve been doing for the past 31 years I’ll fail miserably and I’ll end up with my heart in a dumpster. Again: do I make any sense to you? I hope I do.

And here’s another self-conscious-kind-of-philosophy: we don’t really live, we just drift aimlessly through life, guided by the nonsense that is called “the society set of rules”. In fact, that is not even scientifically true, ‘cause anyone who might be interested in the real set of rules in a normal society should read Emile Durkheim – The Rules of the Sociological Methods (1895). Sooo, what am I doing here? I studied this at the university! Why am I so blind? Again, the answer is right under my nose! Because I want people to like me, and people are living according to these appearances that they call rules, and I don’t fit in there! It’s against my nature... of course I failed miserably in adjusting to these rules! They don’t serve me for any purpose.

And let me give you a small example: when I like something and I feel really enthusiastic about it, people say to me “you’re just throwing yourself headfirst… and you do things chaotically… and you do this and you do that! And whatever you have planed to do is never going to work because you’re chaotic, and there are soooo many obstacles, and you’re not the type to do that, and so many people tried before and failed, and this is not easy…” and so oooon and so foooorth… So I just play on the safe side, and I stick myself to this kind of mentality, I don’t do anything… AT ALL; I don’t even try, because I’m afraid of failing; I do whatever other people want me to do, I play by their rules, I get very easily discouraged by sermons like the one above and yet I am surprised that something’s missing??? Something must be very wrong with me. I mean, think  about it! I am already there! I failed in not being able to do what I’m good at and what I love! What else could possibly go worst than that?! In the end I don’t want to go to the Moon! I just want to be a photographer and a writer! That’s it! I don’t take any chances here! It’s just taking pictures for crying out loud!...

So I will begin my journey starting today. There is nothing important today, it’s just a Thursday afternoon; an ordinary boring 19^th of May; this is the day when I  start doing everything the way I want. So: to hell with the rules! I don’t understand them, I tried to apply them, I failed miserably every time and I’m tired and I don’t want this anymore! K! Great! What’s next?... I have no clue! All I know is that from this moment on I will no longer listen to others, I will listen only to what my instinct tells me, and this is my first risky thing!

I have to give my thanks to a lot of people that inspired me to do this. I will not name them today, I hope I will be able to do it soon.

Thank you for reading this :)

PS: This is just a transition for the way my blogs look. So if it will change in the next couple of days, that is just me messing around with it ;)