Third time is a lucky charm

This is my third attempt to have a blog. Let’s hope this time I’ll stick with it. And what made me want to have a blog at this moment in time is that lately I have been reading a lot of stuff. Noup, not belletristic literature, but other people’s blogs and web sites. And what I found there was a piece of something that I’m missing. I’m missing it inside. Kinda’ hard to define or explain.

“Oh, geez! Not another soul searching blog!” you might say. Well I’ll try to make it as ‘not soul searching’ as I can, but it’s an inside. It will have a piece of me and a piece of the way I am. And I’m very introspective. I tend to see others through myself.

And now, without further introduction here it is!

When I was in my 20s Ally McBeal was in vogue. And I remember how I use to watch the episodes and think “uuu she’s cool… she has that ‘je ne sais quoi’… she’s sophisticated… I’ll never be like that…”. Somehow Ally was someone that I wanted to be. I know, I know, not the ideal self-inflicted- psychological-trauma people should want in their lives. But, hey, I was 20! Keep that in mind! Now, for those of you who think that at 20 you’re mature… well you’re not. Maturity is a state of mind that comes with age and experience. I know people that are almost 60 and they still aren’t mature and show no signs of getting there! But, anyway, that was my idea of mysterious woman and what I wanted to become.

“Life is real” said Freddie Mercury in the song with the same title, and “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get” said Forrest Gump (actually his mom). Yes, that couldn’t be more true. Not only that I never became Ally McBeal No#2, but through the years I kind of started to dislike the idea of becoming a self-pitying-helpless person. Nevertheless, I kept in mind one very specific episode when she turns 30 and what existential problems she has on that day/week. I was kind of petrified at the thought that soon I’d turn 30 and I’d be in a similar position. For 10 years I had lived with the crazy idea that when I turn 30 I’ll feel like I’m suddenly old and/or mature. Guess what? Never happened. I didn’t feel a thing! I didn’t feel older than before, I didn’t feel wiser than before, hell I wasn’t even upset that I had changed “my prefix” (haha). I was very emotional on the week I turned 30, but not because of the event, but because of the way my family surprised me. (And I initially wrote a couple of words about what happened on my birthday, but then I realised that that was for another post).

Very soon after this I remembered my 18^th birthday. And I remembered that I had a similar feeling then: turning 18 meant I had  the legal age (in Romania) and I’d suddenly be… mature! Wrong! I kept being the same kid. Nothing happened and I didn’t feel different, or I didn’t feel anything at all for that matter! It was just one of my birthdays when I had fun with my family and (not that many) friends.

Now you ask yourself: why did I have this nonsense in my head? And TWICE! And why in the world didn’t I see it before? Why didn’t I see the pattern earlier? Here’s why:

I’m not complaining about anything, I have a very beautiful life and I feel lucky for so many reasons. But still there is something there that is not quite right. Something’s missing. And I’m not that kind of person who tries to console herself by saying “there are others in the world more unfortunate than you, so suck it up”. That’s not the way to do it! I want to help others, but when you’re not ok, you’re not able to help anyone. Your frustrations will get in the way. And I know this from experience. My sister can testify that I’ve been a pain in the ass for the past couple of years, and that I’ve been mean to her. I stuck my nose where I shouldn't have, I give advice when nobody asked for it, I tried to help people who didn't need and didn’t want my help. And I ignored those who needed me. Not because I was a mean person, but because I was blind. So I suppose that searching for what you need for yourself is very important and you have to know yourself before you try to help others… I hope I didn’t bore you to death and that you’re still with me.

So a couple of days ago I had this epiphany: I don’t really live my life, I live through others and their perspective. I’m happy that I have a healthy family, that we love each other, that we have a very strong and special relationship, but they, as much as I would love them, are still separate individuals. I am a person that has different points of view, and I don’t believe anymore in my father’s “3 important things in life” theory (that is a subject to be discussed in another post) or my mothers sense of morality. More than that, I have nothing to do with the “society rules” (a kind of very large concept here), I have no idea of the meaning of “a woman should say ‘no’ when she means ‘yes’” (and to be very honest with you I don’t think there’s a bigger inept thing than that!). I don’t have the slightest idea what the hell is with the 4 or 5 (or what ever that number is) rules of dating. And what’s a date, anyway? If I go out with somebody, if we don’t specifically acknowledge it’s a date, than it’s not a date? And if I really had a very good time with that person, does that mean that I would just have to delete it from my life and do a do-over? And why, for the love of God, do I have to “match my inside with my outside” (for those of you who never had the pleasure of watching “What Not to Wear, with Stacy and Clinton” – it’s a sort of fashion show where these 2 guys are explaining to people that they have to dress nicely so that the people around them should appreciate them more!!!) Whaaaa??? Then where does that leave us with “don’t judge a book by its cover”?? And how about, I want to express the way I feel without any kind of “sense of fashion”! I mean: why is Kate Von D allowed to wear clothes that, according to fashion designers, have “no sense of fashion” whatsoever! but “I have to follow the rules”!!!! Kate seems to have become successful without having a “sense of fashion”! and she is happy with it! What do YOU want? Ah! I get it! If you feel ok with searching for clothes, fine! But don’t force ME to do it, ‘cause I don’t give a damn!... Or maybe I do, but I need to it for the right reasons! Not because if I don't do it people will not like me anymore!

So here’s another question: Why do I have to comply with the “society rules” (more like a mentality than real rules) in order to be noticed? Not even appreciated, just noticed! What ever is inside my heart or my brain is an absolute zero to anyone around me if I’m not dressed nicely and if I don’t act like they say I should! Why? I don’t really care right now, (right NOW, at the moment that I’m typing this) if anyone agrees with me, or if I get a lot of “booos”.

I feel alone! (No it’s not a typo mistake: I don’t feel lonely, I feel alone! – to me it’s a different feeling). I feel small and alone in my one skin and I've been having a funny feeling for almost a week now. I feel an empty void in my stomach and I feel like I’m in one of those nightmares where you run but you don’t move and you shout but you can’t hear your voice. I’m extremely alone with myself and I wish there was something or someone to give me some help and tell me what to do. But there’s no one who can do this for me. ‘Cause this is my life, remember? This is were I take control and I do what I need to do. Only for the first time in my life I know that if I go on with what I’ve been doing for the past 31 years I’ll fail miserably and I’ll end up with my heart in a dumpster. Again: do I make any sense to you? I hope I do.

And here’s another self-conscious-kind-of-philosophy: we don’t really live, we just drift aimlessly through life, guided by the nonsense that is called “the society set of rules”. In fact, that is not even scientifically true, ‘cause anyone who might be interested in the real set of rules in a normal society should read Emile Durkheim – The Rules of the Sociological Methods (1895). Sooo, what am I doing here? I studied this at the university! Why am I so blind? Again, the answer is right under my nose! Because I want people to like me, and people are living according to these appearances that they call rules, and I don’t fit in there! It’s against my nature... of course I failed miserably in adjusting to these rules! They don’t serve me for any purpose.

And let me give you a small example: when I like something and I feel really enthusiastic about it, people say to me “you’re just throwing yourself headfirst… and you do things chaotically… and you do this and you do that! And whatever you have planed to do is never going to work because you’re chaotic, and there are soooo many obstacles, and you’re not the type to do that, and so many people tried before and failed, and this is not easy…” and so oooon and so foooorth… So I just play on the safe side, and I stick myself to this kind of mentality, I don’t do anything… AT ALL; I don’t even try, because I’m afraid of failing; I do whatever other people want me to do, I play by their rules, I get very easily discouraged by sermons like the one above and yet I am surprised that something’s missing??? Something must be very wrong with me. I mean, think  about it! I am already there! I failed in not being able to do what I’m good at and what I love! What else could possibly go worst than that?! In the end I don’t want to go to the Moon! I just want to be a photographer and a writer! That’s it! I don’t take any chances here! It’s just taking pictures for crying out loud!...

So I will begin my journey starting today. There is nothing important today, it’s just a Thursday afternoon; an ordinary boring 19^th of May; this is the day when I  start doing everything the way I want. So: to hell with the rules! I don’t understand them, I tried to apply them, I failed miserably every time and I’m tired and I don’t want this anymore! K! Great! What’s next?... I have no clue! All I know is that from this moment on I will no longer listen to others, I will listen only to what my instinct tells me, and this is my first risky thing!

I have to give my thanks to a lot of people that inspired me to do this. I will not name them today, I hope I will be able to do it soon.

Thank you for reading this :)

PS: This is just a transition for the way my blogs look. So if it will change in the next couple of days, that is just me messing around with it ;)